o.v.e.r.i.t.

As I've said, Im doing online dating and, while it has proven very beneficial to my overall terrified mindset, it has not been successful.

I have learned things about myself, abut what I need and want from a significant other, and, most importantly, has helped ease my debilitating fear of dating.

But, while I have met a handful of very nice and interesting men in this process (and naturally a couple very awkward ones), there has not been any love connections.

After a couple doozies (set up through friends), which sort of drove me to the ol' online dating the first place, that had little to say in person (and not much more to say via text although that was their preferred method of conversation), and a couple nice-but-nothing-special meetings through the site, I met someone that I actually had things to say to! and

"so easy to talk to" --- yes, I am aware. that's it?!

I dont want to be just someone's companion that makes them feel comfortable (alhough feeling comfortable around someone is wonderful)

I want someone to WANT me; to want to be around me all the time

someone to laugh and be silly with; but to share in the serious moments as well with an understanding yet a lighthearted ness

I *need* someone that will grab me and kiss me, instead of waiting for me to make the first move (because that just will not happen)

I need someone that will not give up when I get freaked out and start to pull away; someone who will fight for me. Because they cant stand to let me go.

to be sweet, but not a pushover; to take charge, make decisions,

Does all this exist just in the movies?

Am I holding out for something that will never happen?

------QUOTE----------

Now, even though it may seem it, I am not crazy

I am not keeping a checklist. If one thing is not exactly how I;ve described, I will not disregard the rest of the wonderful things.

But I am a feeler. and things have to *feel* right (figuratively)

Im a big believer in: when you know, you know.

And Im waiting for that.

Ive never done settling well. not in friendship, not in jobs, not in anything.

But, in talking to a friend tonight, explaining the fact that the online dating has been good for my fear, he replied that I was afraid to be happy.

WHAT?! Im always happy. Im happy by myself. I dont need someone else to make me happy.

But then I was thinking about it, and ... am I?

Am I happy?

Am I afraid to be happy? TRULY happy.

I am "not settling" or am I self-sabotaging myself because sub-consiously Im afraid to be happy with someone else because *I* can't hurt myself but someone else can hurt me.

I know Im afraid of being vulnerable for the same reason of getting hurt.

but afraid to be happy?!

Maybe.

I want to quit the dating site. I feel like it has fulfilled it's purpose and Im just spinning my wheels at this point. Dating, but not going out with anyone I really like.... and definitely not happy doing that.

I want to date someone I meet in person, and am attracted to from the get-go.

I think that I need to focus on myself. Be happy with myself, and my life, first. Do the things I love and it will all work itself out.

Right?

Thats what people always say.

I think Im going to give it a try....

Ill let you know how it goes