acknowledgement is the first step

I have a tendency to want what I can't have and not want what is easily available or readily offered to me.

No matter if it's tangible objects, opinions, decisions, or guys/dating.

I like the challenge and lose interest if it's just right there in front of me....

And then there's the awkwardness factor.

I get really awkward the second I know someone likes me. ....It's like all of the sudden I don't know how to act anymore.

All of the intense eye contact makes me nervous, and the expectations. Gosh, the pressure. What is happening? 5 seconds ago, we were just having a nice conversation and it was going really well, and now this person is staring at me and I don't know what to do.

So, naturally, I start acting like a complete spaz, making rapid movements and don't let any time linger between actions where there is possibilities for awkward staring-into-each-other's-eyes.....

I just want to skip right over all of that awkwardness of the beginning: the 'can I kiss you' awkwardness (don't ask me that - just do it!), the zillion questions of 'what do you do?'/ 'where are you from?' nonsense, the fumbling, ......and jump right to the comfortable. but still have things to talk about.

And I worry that that doesn't exist; that it isn't possible. Or worse, that it isn't possible for me.

But I see couples that still just hang out together. just the two of them. all the time. And I wonder: aren't you sick of each other? What do you talk about all the time?!

But I want that; I envy it. It gives me hope.

And yet, it terrifies me.

I think about it a lot and wonder what it is about dating that scares me so much; that makes me want to abandon any sliver of happiness the moment it starts getting "too real"

I worry that we will run out of things to talk about, that I will lose interest, that I will have doubts and wonder how I will really know what's right. I will want to end it and then it will be awkward because I let it go too long, and I will hurt his feelings and will end up feeling worse about that than the actual break-up.

In reality, it's just my fear manifesting itself and so I start nit-picking and inventing "problems" and reasons why I don't like this person anymore.... awful.

So, I avoid it all-together.

But then you watch movies and it's hard not want what you see on screen.

It's not real. I know it's not real. But it still makes me want *that.*

Plus then I see my friends, all happy and in love. and I wonder, maybe there is someone else out there that will make me feel like that. That will magically cure my "issues;" and suddenly, I won't be afraid anymore.

But it's hard to find a good person.

....Someone that feels the same way about you as you do for them.

Like I said, I usually go for guys that don't like me back or have some (real) issue that cuts things short ---- maybe it's even subconsciously intentional for those same reasons; a sort of guarantee that it will never get very far (or anywhere at all).

But I still get attached and wind up with my heart broken. and wonder 'why me?' when I essentially sabotage any other chances I have with the good, normal people actually interested in me.

That's a whole lotta crazy I need to overcome.

And I really am working on it.

I have been thinking about it a lot (for years!) and I am making a conscious effort not to run, even when I really want to. Even when it's uncomfortable and it makes me nervous.

Because I don't really want to run.... Im just scared.

Scared of getting hurt, of hurting someone else that doesn't deserve it; scared of being vulnerable, of putting myself in a position to be... evaluated, I guess.

It is scary, putting yourself in someone else's trust.

But that's life: messy, happy, scary, exciting.

It would be extraordinarily boring if it wasn't...

So, I've decided: I'm going to live. I'm not going to be afraid. No. Actually, I'm going to be terrified, I'm sure, but I'm not going to let it paralyze me from living fully and happily.

The. End.

(but really just the beginning)