F@%* - I don't understand! a rant...

I am ridiculous. I am always complaining that there are no guys out there for me, while I push away the guys that like me and actually make an effort. but Im not interested in that the guys that like me. there is no connection and it feels boring, which is not really enticing to me.

and I am actually starting to think that maybe the ones I like (that are apparently not interested) find ME boring! how terrible (and ironic) is that?!

I want to try to give things a chance but Im not good at going through the motions if my heart's not in it. (and they dont seem to feel the awkwardness and keep wanting to hang out so I feel like it's just me, and feel obligated to give it another chance (a million chances))

I feel like there should be *something* there from the start. but maybe thats naive of me.

I don't want to settle, but my waiting for the "right" thing has not been successful.

Maybe Im not crazy enough - guys (really great guys!) are always dating these bat-shit crazy women and I have never understood that. Maybe I seem to have it all too together and that is intimidating.

Maybe I am giving off "not interested" signals and/or am coming off "too interested"

fuck. I hate all the games of dating. I hate the awkwardness of the beginning. I hate the 'harmless' flirting. Don't fucking flirt if you're not interested.

I hate the ultra-casual scene in Portland where people just "hang out" - are we dating, are we hanging out, are we friends? wtf?

I hate having entire conversations via text about absolutely nothing. I hate feeling obligated to put on a happy face and pretend like I am having a good time. I have always felt guilty; not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings. (I do that with jobs, too. Even if I don't want the job, I still act like I do in the interview. Why?) What does that solve? Absolutely nothing. Is it a "what-if?" thing? Keeping my options open? Maybe but (at least as far as jobs go) I never settle for something I know Im not going to be happy with.

I never start anything with guys that I know I wont be happy with. But here I am, still in contact with (now 2!) nice-but-so-quiet guys that (Im sorry to say) cannot carry a conversation. They text all the time (but never call), not even saying much via text, and when it comes to face-to-face conversation there is nothing but awkward silence after the standard "how is work" talk subsides after the first 5 minutes (because it's boring).

These boys are not boring, per se, but I think we are both (all three, I guess) people that contribute to the conversation, rather than carry it. I even ask a billion questions and it still just feels forced.

I'm sorry, it just should not be that way. ESPECIALLY AT THE BEGINNING! if there is nothing to say in the first place, just imagine how it will be later.

UGH.

I can't handle it.

But I don't know what to do about it. At least with E., I kind of have a feeling we're just friends (we went almost 5 months without "talking" at all, after hanging out very sporadically for 6 with nothing "happening" - I freaked out and over-analyzed but finally came to the conclusion that I thought we were in the friend-zone, which I can handle. I think we would have a lot more to talk about in that case. and I know it's because I got all weird and nervous, worried that I was sending the wrong message) but with R. I kind of know that he wants to be more (because HE freaked out today (via text) all insecure-like after I didn't text back within about 3 hours.)

I've always had weird issues with commitment and intimacy, etc. Once it gets to a certain point, I freak out and "put my walls up" like my mom always says. And I do. I know I do. Because suddenly I do a u-turn and pretty much want nothing to do with ____ anymore.

I dont want to send mixed messages. I don't kiss just anyone because that (obviously) takes things to whole other level (yes, Im one of those weird people that actually believes kissing someone means something, rather than just kissing anyone just because (though sometimes I think I should be more "free" about it, and not put so much weight on every action)). and it gets way more complicated after that. feelings always get involved and it makes it so much harder to stay disconnected once you engage in any physical contact. (and obviously I need to care less about what other people think, but its easier said than done.)

But then, I think I DO send mixed messages. Because I don't know what to do and I dont know where to stand and I dont want to tell the whole world my business.

I fell really hard for W. last year and then it suddenly ended and "I had no idea why" but analyzing it a zillion times (like I do) I finally pinpointed the exact moment where I ruined it. I ruined it. He came out to hang out with me one night and while I was waiting for him, I ran into my editor, who was with a bunch of other people, and a co-worker. I never really see my editor, C, and, since he technically is my boss (and this was one of the first times I had ever seen him outside of work functions), I was trying to be professional, and put my best foot forward, etc. But at the same time, I left W. on the other bench talking to my co-worker while I essentially ignored him to schmooze with C. He ended up leaving (I dont blame him) - and I let him. I stayed. I put work first. And I think it was ultimately a good call because (I know, and knew) the "relationship" wouldn't last but I didn't really even give it a chance. I couldn't bring myself to be vulnerable, to let anyone else in. I don't feel like Im scared, but that is probably the underlying issue.

I am always the strong, composed, independent one (except when Im overanalyzing some made up relationship Ive created in my head) that doesnt need anyone. But I am scared. Im scared that if I stop being the strong one and "fall" for someone, I wont be able to become whole again once I break.

Really break.

my heart has broken a million times over these little made-up scenarios so I just cant imagine how it will feel when it breaks from something real. shatters.

and I don't want to...

but I want the something real.

I feel like I am ready for commitment and intimacy - I really do want it more than (almost) anything; I imagine myself in a relationship with these guys I fall in love with in an instant (that don't even know I exist or feel that way about) but keep the ones that want me at arms length. And in the end, the likelihood that I will "put the walls up" with these other guys the second anything starts to get remotely serious is pretty good (let's be honest).

But I will never know because the ones I fall head over heels for break my heart before that happens. Really before anything begins. That's where I am crazy.

I put myself tooo out there, am too available, too eager, too...whatever, I don't even know, but somehow I scare them away. But again, I don't play games. If I like you, I want you to know. I don't want to wait to call just to pretend Im too busy or keep you guessing. I am busy but I will make time for you, and I guess that is desperate?

I don't know.

This whole thing is so confusing to me.

I keep thinking that it will just happen naturally. That someday I will have a story like the ones I read about (not just in novels) or hear about.

That I will meet someone and just know. and there will be a mutual connection. and I wont be nervous or awkward about it. and it will all just happen.

But it doesn't.

and so I try to keep myself busy so I don't think about it. but I think about it.

and I see couples, happy and in love, EVERYWHERE. and every time, my heart breaks a little and I long for that.

and time goes by and I get older, and the small pool of good (available) guys gets smaller (emptier?) and smaller as they meet other great women that snatch them up and they settle down.

and I continue to have fleeting moments of connections in day-to-day life that turn out to be nothing, or misinterpreted for interest when it was just being nice. and I get sad and lonely and start to get desperate and in turn start looking at every guy like he "would do." and then I vent about how I want a boyfriend and my mom starts looking online for guys for me. But again, I would have to make the first move.

and I've gotten better about taking initiative, but only if I think there is a connection. which, my track record shows, I misinterpreted.

and then I get sad and lonely again, and settle for the boring boys that are interested in me, (which is not like me at all, but we all have our moments of weakness, right?) but can't continue it because I've never been one to go through the motions when my heart's not in it.

and so I stay alone, trying not to think about it while wishing and hoping - dreaming of the fairy tale.