finding balance and learning from the past
I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few weeks... A lot of thinking in the sense that I can't turn my brain off.
I've been thinking about the past mostly, reminiscing, remembering. Thinking back and tracking which events happened when -- and what happened each year, making a little synopsis of the past several seemingly-very-eventful years of my life.
Last year was tumultous, a roller coaster of ups and downs - high highs and low lows. This year has been a soul-searching one - introspective and strengthening - figuring out what I want and going for it, not taking any shit (and finding balance in the strength while retaining kindness -- that is still a work in progress) and getting myself back on track - financially, emotionally, independently, etc.
I feel really good in my life right now and feel like I almost feel like an adult -- which, honestly, a few months ago seemed preposterous. I think this year of work and saving and putting myself (back) together has paved the way for success in the new year.
But there is still a long way to go. I don't think we're ever "done" growing/evolving/learning about ourselves, which is one of the most rewarding (and sometimes the most frustrating) things about life.
I've been thinking a lot lately about how I present myself to the world and feeling like there must be some sort of disconnect because I don't feel like I'm getting the "results" I want or expect.
Everyone sees me as the "nice" girl that is happy and easygoing who doesn't need anyone and is fun to make grandiose plans with - so the she never gets hurt when those plans fall through... Well, a lot of that is true. I am happy and easygoing and I don't need anyone -- to my own detriment. Actually, I'm kind of a loner and sometimes I even push people away when they get too close -- and then they leave.
I can't tell if people think I'm too independent and I'm ok on my own - or if I actually drive them away.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about my relationships and how I seem to trust the "wrong" people - I dive in head-first into the deep end. fast and hard, neglecting to see all the signs that are so clear to me when I look back or rewind the events back through my mind.
I have always been very gullible and, while I can spot an overt charmer from a mile away now, I am still learning to spot the subtle signs that "he's just not that into [me]." If someone tells me something, I take that seriously; I believe it to be true.
Maybe it's because I don't say things I don't mean, so I can't comprehend that anyone else would -- even though it has been proven to me, time and time again.
Maybe it's all part of the grand plan to help me work through my trust issues... trusting again, even after I've been hurt (and after I've sworn to never trust again).
How is it that I can believe someone is "in" - only to have them completely about-face the next minute, leaving me to believe they never cared at all?
Again, is it something I'm putting out into the world? Something that gives an impression I'm interested in something casual or that I wouldn't care? That it would be better to lie to me and lead me on than to be upfront with me about their intentions? Are they telling me their intentions and I'm not hearing them because I'm believing what I want to believe?
Like Ryan, who is back in my thoughts pretty hard-core right now... He told me "the likelihood that I'll end up back in Portland is slim to none," which, although completely passive and indirect, was his way of telling me "we" were not serious. ....But then he said "maybe you could come to the Netherlands for an extended vacation," -- out of his own free will and decision. ...But then stopped talking to me. Maybe he expected me to say no. Maybe he did want that but realized it wasn't realistic... He should have told me. My extended vacation probably never would have happened - 1) I couldn't afford it at the time 2) we probably would have realized together that it wasn't a great idea or postponed it for a long time or something- but it was the fact that he offered it and then basically revoked it. Was I supposed to have initiated contact after he went back to NL? There are so many "hypotheticals" that "could have been" -- but I was sick of making excuses for the fact that I was not being treated/valued how I believe(d) I should have been, sick of guessing and sick of being confused. It all became very obvious...
Although I still have moments of "weakness" - missing him, wishing it hadn't ended the way it did, with sort of a heavy door closed on us - it was a complicated relationship that could never have been sustained. Kind of just like Matt...
Those two relationships were so similar in so many ways... that is actually what makes me mad at myself. After Ryan I promised myself I would not make the same "mistakes" I did with him - the naivete, mostly - and, actually, I was so much stronger, more vulnerable, more communicative, more real, I'm really proud of myself and I know that I did learn a lot from Ryan that I applied - but I definitely did fall back into the same "pattern" of not trusting my own intuition and stubbornly trying to force it because I wanted it and didn't want to see the truth.
And so, I guess, the only thing that can be done is to know myself and my tendencies and watch for them... without allowing the fear make me jaded and closed. Balance. It's a tough one. But it only gets better with practice.
I've been thinking about the past mostly, reminiscing, remembering. Thinking back and tracking which events happened when -- and what happened each year, making a little synopsis of the past several seemingly-very-eventful years of my life.
Last year was tumultous, a roller coaster of ups and downs - high highs and low lows. This year has been a soul-searching one - introspective and strengthening - figuring out what I want and going for it, not taking any shit (and finding balance in the strength while retaining kindness -- that is still a work in progress) and getting myself back on track - financially, emotionally, independently, etc.
I feel really good in my life right now and feel like I almost feel like an adult -- which, honestly, a few months ago seemed preposterous. I think this year of work and saving and putting myself (back) together has paved the way for success in the new year.
But there is still a long way to go. I don't think we're ever "done" growing/evolving/learning about ourselves, which is one of the most rewarding (and sometimes the most frustrating) things about life.
I've been thinking a lot lately about how I present myself to the world and feeling like there must be some sort of disconnect because I don't feel like I'm getting the "results" I want or expect.
Everyone sees me as the "nice" girl that is happy and easygoing who doesn't need anyone and is fun to make grandiose plans with - so the she never gets hurt when those plans fall through... Well, a lot of that is true. I am happy and easygoing and I don't need anyone -- to my own detriment. Actually, I'm kind of a loner and sometimes I even push people away when they get too close -- and then they leave.
I can't tell if people think I'm too independent and I'm ok on my own - or if I actually drive them away.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about my relationships and how I seem to trust the "wrong" people - I dive in head-first into the deep end. fast and hard, neglecting to see all the signs that are so clear to me when I look back or rewind the events back through my mind.
I have always been very gullible and, while I can spot an overt charmer from a mile away now, I am still learning to spot the subtle signs that "he's just not that into [me]." If someone tells me something, I take that seriously; I believe it to be true.
Maybe it's because I don't say things I don't mean, so I can't comprehend that anyone else would -- even though it has been proven to me, time and time again.
Maybe it's all part of the grand plan to help me work through my trust issues... trusting again, even after I've been hurt (and after I've sworn to never trust again).
How is it that I can believe someone is "in" - only to have them completely about-face the next minute, leaving me to believe they never cared at all?
Again, is it something I'm putting out into the world? Something that gives an impression I'm interested in something casual or that I wouldn't care? That it would be better to lie to me and lead me on than to be upfront with me about their intentions? Are they telling me their intentions and I'm not hearing them because I'm believing what I want to believe?
Like Ryan, who is back in my thoughts pretty hard-core right now... He told me "the likelihood that I'll end up back in Portland is slim to none," which, although completely passive and indirect, was his way of telling me "we" were not serious. ....But then he said "maybe you could come to the Netherlands for an extended vacation," -- out of his own free will and decision. ...But then stopped talking to me. Maybe he expected me to say no. Maybe he did want that but realized it wasn't realistic... He should have told me. My extended vacation probably never would have happened - 1) I couldn't afford it at the time 2) we probably would have realized together that it wasn't a great idea or postponed it for a long time or something- but it was the fact that he offered it and then basically revoked it. Was I supposed to have initiated contact after he went back to NL? There are so many "hypotheticals" that "could have been" -- but I was sick of making excuses for the fact that I was not being treated/valued how I believe(d) I should have been, sick of guessing and sick of being confused. It all became very obvious...
Although I still have moments of "weakness" - missing him, wishing it hadn't ended the way it did, with sort of a heavy door closed on us - it was a complicated relationship that could never have been sustained. Kind of just like Matt...
Those two relationships were so similar in so many ways... that is actually what makes me mad at myself. After Ryan I promised myself I would not make the same "mistakes" I did with him - the naivete, mostly - and, actually, I was so much stronger, more vulnerable, more communicative, more real, I'm really proud of myself and I know that I did learn a lot from Ryan that I applied - but I definitely did fall back into the same "pattern" of not trusting my own intuition and stubbornly trying to force it because I wanted it and didn't want to see the truth.
And so, I guess, the only thing that can be done is to know myself and my tendencies and watch for them... without allowing the fear make me jaded and closed. Balance. It's a tough one. But it only gets better with practice.
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