my (balancing) act is not even close to together
Ive been stressing lately. Feeling trapped in a limbo of being anxious to start the next chapter of my life (...whatever that entails) and my commitments NOW for the next few months.
It feels so close yet so far away.
I'm trying to prepare myself as much as possible for what's coming up, even though I have no idea what that is.
All I know is that I'm trying to get my act together. But it's not really working.
Most productive when I'm busy...
but there's a tipping point, over which I shut down.
Commitments: trying to honor them and fulfill them to the maximum - but at the cost of missing other opportunities.
I've been stressed about money, feeling like Im working non-stop with nothing to show for it, and without fulfillment in the jobs I have.
I've been looking for other work to fulfill me, and get me on the "right track" (or any track) to any kind of future success and fulfillment (ie: out of nannying and Starbucks) and found a temporary job that would have been perfect and that I would have loved.
But I didn't apply for it right away. Why? I have no idea. Because I have problems. Maybe I sabotage myself on purpose, subconsciously. that's kind of the only explanation I have for it at this point.
I couldnt get my act together to write a m/f-ing cover letter and send that b.s. in.
I know that I need pressure to motivate me. That, I have learned over and over again.
But the thing is, that everything hits at once. So if I put something off until it's deadline, about 20 other things will happen and need attention right at that same time.
I had an article due yesterday that I finished yesterday. and I came home, exhausted from the stress of that (and many other things), remembered that the job application was due
....and proceeded to watch a movie.
WTF!?!
So even when I feel like I am finally getting things done and accomplished (like submitting my article on time, finally finishing the letter to my best friend, keeping my stuff fairly clean, ...), I still drop the ball.
The constant stress of the non-accomplished (and ever piling higher) to-do list running through my head non-stop, all these things that I *should* be doing, is overwhelming and debilitating.
I can't find the balance between working too much and working not enough. I cant find the balance between treating myself to something fun and relaxing and depriving myself of any fun.
taking on too much and....
Im stressed that I don't have the time to run when I have the energy, and dont have the energy to run when I have the time. and that I cant just make myself do it no matter what.
Im stressed that I cant turn off my brain to the emotional things I want to get over and turn it on to the important things I need to get done.
Stressed trying to figure out what it is I really want and how to go about getting it.
stressed that even at the height of my stress, when it should be motivating me to get my ass in gear, all I want to do is run away from, to hide away and shut down so that I don't have to deal with it.
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