letting go

I realized I've been having a hard time lately letting some things go.

Which is not generally like me. I don't struggle with change; actually I crave and thrive on change...

But I think it's different with emotional change.

I'm the type of person that, when I'm in, I'm all in. And I don't let people close to me -like, really close to me- easily or quickly. Once I have, though, it's because you've made the cut and I trust you with everything I have, and likely you've seen me at my worst and I don't care because I believe you're in it for the long haul.

My mind gets me in trouble (often), though...

I'm idealistic and romanticize reality. (even though I'm very realistic as well, weird.)

So when I get an idea in my head that something will be a certain way, no matter how unrealistic it really is, it's not weird (to me) and I will hold on to that.

Even if my romantic vision changes shape, which it does. Often.

I should be used to it by now, but Im not.

I had a best friend that I pushed away initially. He was in love with me before we became best friends so I was cautious. He is the complete opposite of me and sometimes he would drive me absolutely bonkers. But, slowly, I relaxed and opened up and we became great friends.

The kind of friends that dont see each other or talk or hang out often, but when you do, it's as if nothing changed. The kind of friends that have heart-to-hearts and deep, philosophical conversations, and who tell each other life plans and goals; the kind of friends who can spend time together and not always have to fill it with talking, who can just be themselves around each other. The kind of friends that have seen each other at our worsts and been there through everything. 

I always imagined he would just always be there. Our friendship would always be the same. That, because we hardly saw each other, it was no big deal and that we would always just contact each other every 4months to catch up whenever our schedules allowed.

But that didn't happen.
We each went on with our separate lives. He got a girlfriend and our "reunions" got fewer and farther between. Which, honestly, was fine. I was busy, too... And when we did have time to get together it was as if nothing had changed.

But then he stopped returning my phone calls when I would call to say hey.

Like no response. Not even a text to say "hey, sorry, life is crazy, call you soon!"

Nothing.

And it made me sad.

I kind of understood, but I also at least wanted the respect of acknowledgement.

He told me he was engaged via mass-text message. Ok, fine. That sucks, but whatever.

I got an invitation to his wedding... but still no contact.

that's when I got mad about it.

I'm not going, I said, adamantly. Why should I go spend the time and energy on him -- and get him a wedding gift! -- if he can't put in the effort to sustain our friendship?!

..but then I was thinking about it and thought: if I don't go, our friendship will end in anger. Unnecessary anger, even.

Yes it hurts but he is not doing any of this intentionally or maliciously. And probably doesn't even think anything is wrong...

If I don't go, I will hold onto this anger forever and our friendship will always be shadowed by these feelings.

If I go, I can treat it like a send-off.

We were best, great, good friends in "our life" and now you are starting a new life and I am happy for you and I wish you all the best.

I can let go, I can move on.

"And that, my friend, is what they call CAH-LOH-SURE."