planning

I've always known I wanted to be a mom.

Since I was about 3 years old and "had a baby of my own."

Im always the mother of any group.

I've even had a period of introspection (one of my many) where I really contemplated my desire to have kids of my own some day (and decided that I really do need to have children).

Earlier this year I even started feeling the pangs of my "biological clock" and, though I knew even then that I wasn't ready to have them, I knew I wanted them and wanted to start the "process" of getting myself ready for them.

Then I started nannying -- and oh man, was that a shock.

I declared on my second week that I would never have kids.

But of course, that was just the stress talking.

Since then "my" kids and I have warmed up to each other much more and have started working more like a team and really growing fond of each other.

(I truly believe they were testing me those first several weeks, sub-consciously or not.)

And now?

I really don't know.

I know that I need to have someone to love and care for and nurture. I just do.

and I always thought the answer to that was children.

But then I see these parents that are all stressed-out all the time and who blame each other for things, the way the other parents.

....and I just don't want to become that.

I really dont think I will, but what if it's just one of those things you cant help? What if something in you snaps the second you become a parent and you cant help it anymore?

I know it's not something I have to think about for a long, long time...

but, you know? This really is one of those things you (I) can't control.

I *do* think about this kind of stuff.

....Just like I just built my dream house in my head as I walked the dog around the neighborhood.

That's what happens in the dream-world of Jessica's brain....

What about you? Do you want kids? Did you always know you wanted them?

I *am* actually a big believer in the biological clock... that someone doesn't believe they want children until all the sudden they do.

I also used to think I wanted a big family but I nannied five kids at once on Friday and that changed my mind right away! But definitely at least two. I know having only one is better for the environment (and your vagina!) or whatever, but having a built-in friend/companion/confidant is huge! plus learning the social skills and how to share, etc. is enormous. (not that only children *don't* have those kinds of traits, but I think its just more innate in children of multi-child families.)