swearing off dating and training Knowledgeable Intuition to overpower Eternal Optimism

Oh goodness....

It's been eight months (almost; close enough) since I swore off dating the last time. 

There was a heartbreak, followed by a couple months of trying to "get back on the horse" - which was also a cover for not fully dealing with that heartbreak and the mistakes I made during that relationship, while I was trying to avoid accepting the fact that it wasn't a good one. 

I had a fun fling, many, many dates and a lot of letdowns that culminated in my unhappiness and distaste of the whole roller-coaster ride that is dating. 

I recognized that I was trying to fill a hole and that I needed time on my own, not seeking anything, not just trying a bunch of people on until I found one that fit -- I needed to focus on myself, figure out what I want, learn from my previous mistakes. 

I have definitely made mistakes. Which is good. That's how you learn. But I wasn't really learning. In reflecting on past relationships, it felt like a pattern of repeating the same mistakes over and over, but swearing I won't make them again. 

I really wanted to break those habits that are so far ingrained in me. I needed a break to: 1) truly heal, and 2) reflect on my mindset and try to get to the root of the cause of these habits that I fall into when I enter relationships, and examine why it is that romantic relationships seem to be the only area that is still struggling to catch up to my recent development of my strength. 

So I took a break and focused on myself and invested in things I love and that fuel me and make me happy. And I did really process past relationships and my patterns and what I want. 

It's been a huge period of reflection in a lot of ways. In a really good way. 

And all along saying, if something happens: great, if not: great.

I didn't have time for dating - and my heart wasn't really ready for it yet - and I was busy doing things I love and deliriously happy on my own. 

You can probably see where this is going... 

I am still busy doing things I love and deliriously happy on my own - but there's a twinge deep, deep down that is ready to date again. 

No, not to date again - that, I don't want to do. 

To have my person. 

To NOT have to date again. 

I know there are a variety of external reasons why I'm suddenly feeling this way... 

The fact that two of my best friends are pregnant, and the inevitable fact that our relationship is going to change in a huge way very soon. The fact that most of my friends are married (or very seriously committed) and do everything with their significant other - and I want that. Plus, the fact that this time last year was spent in a heavy fog of enamoredness. 

Even though I am, now, well aware of how unromantic and unrepresentative of a successful relationship that one was, there were many, many wonderful and beautiful and blissful times (obviously; which was what made it so hard to let go and see the truth), and that is the part I miss. 

But it has been really good to go through all this first year of "anniversaries" - and especially to be single during them - because it's been good to experience both the nostalgia and the clear vision of what I was repressing. Because I knew it was bad a long, long time before I allowed myself to believe it - and it's good to remind myself to listen to Knowledgeable Intuition and not get caught up in the intoxication of hope of Eternal Optimism.  

I'm trying to train myself to listen to Knowledgeable Intuition and Eternal Optimism leads me to believe that I can do it and will do it - but has a history of stealing KI's thunder in the moment, so I guess I'm not sure. All I can do it be mindful of my patterns and strive to listen to KI whispering in my ear when the time comes. 

(Fighting the urge to go back online; how do people meet their significant others in real life?!)