internal battles, changing habits, and the vulnerability of being direct
I've been working really hard over the past few years to be true to myself.
It's really difficult, in many ways - and in ways that I never would have expected.
1) I hate conflict and am naturally very "nice"
2) I was raised to be polite
3) Society ingrains women to not speak up for their own needs or be "bossy" or "aggressive"
So, it really feels like kind of an uphill battle, and it's been a very learn-as-I-go process, with a lot of reflection and adjustments along the way.
The tipping point came a couple years ago when I felt like I had just HAD. ENOUGH. I felt that my niceness was being taken advantage of - and had been for years - and I was putting my foot down and was not going to allow it happen anymore. The nice approach was not getting me anywhere and I was done with it. I was taking the bull by the horns and just saying, you know what? no. this is not what I want for my life. here is who I am, you don't have to like it but I am not going to keep myself in a box of what everyone thinks I should be. I am going to speak my mind and fight for want. deal with it or get out of my way.
I took a really hard look at my life and streamlined my life in a lot of ways - I cut out a lot of friends who I felt were not moving in the direction I was wanting to go, I started taking more risks and being more ballsy in my approaches to things, stopped tiptoeing around, waiting for approval and basically adopted a really "fuck it" attitude.
It was not necessarily the best move, strategically, but it was exactly what I needed at the time.
I mean, it really worked, in a lot of ways. It changed my mindset and allowed me to become the strong person I knew I always was but, ironically, didn't have the strength to be or display. I got my first "real" job that I had been working hard toward for a long time. Most importantly, I developed a sense of what was important to me - it helped me strip away a lot of the bullshit.
Soon, everything turned around and I was thriving again - which felt monumental after the dark period of hopelessness and helplessness that fueled this whole take-no-shit fire - and I came down from my pyromaniac high and realized how harsh I had been. It felt that I had been unnecessarily harsh, and, even though, it really was exactly what I needed at the time, I felt remorseful that I had been selfish and hurtful. Not maliciously, but severely lacking in compassion, which, in reflecting on this, I realized was also very important to me: to never lose my compassion.
So I collected my thoughts, repented to those I felt had deserved better treatment, and set out with the goal to balance these two needs of speaking up for myself and always seeking to be true to myself - and also continuing to be kind and compassionate to those around me and not stomping on their needs.
It's been a long process (and by no means is it even close to being "over") but it's slowly becoming easier, becoming ingrained in me so that I listen more to the little voice in my head when it says no - but, as the saying goes, old habits die hard and I still have moments when I feel like I am being too harsh and allowing my real voice to say yes to things, even as my insides are screaming NOOOO this is a terrible decision, don't do it. But my goddamn Eternal Optimism always tells me everything is going to be alright (and it is always right, too, it just causes so much trouble sometimes) and so I say, OK! Sure. No problem. Let's do it! in the moment and then loud-ass Eternal Optimism goes to sleep and Knowledgeable Intution is like, told ya so.
My main goal these days is (in addition to listening to my wise, trustworthy intuition) to just be direct and honest. That usually helps accomplish both utilizing my own strength while allowing the other person to feel good about whatever statement I have made. Explaining why you're saying no usually helps the other person understand that it's not personal.
I also try to say things the way I would want to hear them. A spin on the Golden Rule, if you will.
So easy. And yet, so difficult at the same time. It's hard to be vulnerable like that. Saying exactly what and how you feel is extremely scary. It's like an open invitation for people to judge you or dislike you or argue with you or hurt you.
But you know what? I've stopped caring.
I have a solid crew of people that know the real me and love me for my quirks and charms and bad habits and good characteristics. If this random stranger doesn't like me, that is just fine. It's better to know that right up front than waste a bunch of time pretending.
Thirty has been a really good year for this. I have just stopped caring. I am too old for the games and I just have no interest in pretending to be someone I'm not. I've done it for way too long and it has only caused complication and I have no interest in that. Life is too short.
Moral of the story: speak up for yourself and be compassionate.
Wouldn't the world be a lot better if we all just respectfully said exactly what we want??
It's really difficult, in many ways - and in ways that I never would have expected.
1) I hate conflict and am naturally very "nice"
2) I was raised to be polite
3) Society ingrains women to not speak up for their own needs or be "bossy" or "aggressive"
So, it really feels like kind of an uphill battle, and it's been a very learn-as-I-go process, with a lot of reflection and adjustments along the way.
The tipping point came a couple years ago when I felt like I had just HAD. ENOUGH. I felt that my niceness was being taken advantage of - and had been for years - and I was putting my foot down and was not going to allow it happen anymore. The nice approach was not getting me anywhere and I was done with it. I was taking the bull by the horns and just saying, you know what? no. this is not what I want for my life. here is who I am, you don't have to like it but I am not going to keep myself in a box of what everyone thinks I should be. I am going to speak my mind and fight for want. deal with it or get out of my way.
I took a really hard look at my life and streamlined my life in a lot of ways - I cut out a lot of friends who I felt were not moving in the direction I was wanting to go, I started taking more risks and being more ballsy in my approaches to things, stopped tiptoeing around, waiting for approval and basically adopted a really "fuck it" attitude.
It was not necessarily the best move, strategically, but it was exactly what I needed at the time.
I mean, it really worked, in a lot of ways. It changed my mindset and allowed me to become the strong person I knew I always was but, ironically, didn't have the strength to be or display. I got my first "real" job that I had been working hard toward for a long time. Most importantly, I developed a sense of what was important to me - it helped me strip away a lot of the bullshit.
Soon, everything turned around and I was thriving again - which felt monumental after the dark period of hopelessness and helplessness that fueled this whole take-no-shit fire - and I came down from my pyromaniac high and realized how harsh I had been. It felt that I had been unnecessarily harsh, and, even though, it really was exactly what I needed at the time, I felt remorseful that I had been selfish and hurtful. Not maliciously, but severely lacking in compassion, which, in reflecting on this, I realized was also very important to me: to never lose my compassion.
So I collected my thoughts, repented to those I felt had deserved better treatment, and set out with the goal to balance these two needs of speaking up for myself and always seeking to be true to myself - and also continuing to be kind and compassionate to those around me and not stomping on their needs.
It's been a long process (and by no means is it even close to being "over") but it's slowly becoming easier, becoming ingrained in me so that I listen more to the little voice in my head when it says no - but, as the saying goes, old habits die hard and I still have moments when I feel like I am being too harsh and allowing my real voice to say yes to things, even as my insides are screaming NOOOO this is a terrible decision, don't do it. But my goddamn Eternal Optimism always tells me everything is going to be alright (and it is always right, too, it just causes so much trouble sometimes) and so I say, OK! Sure. No problem. Let's do it! in the moment and then loud-ass Eternal Optimism goes to sleep and Knowledgeable Intution is like, told ya so.
My main goal these days is (in addition to listening to my wise, trustworthy intuition) to just be direct and honest. That usually helps accomplish both utilizing my own strength while allowing the other person to feel good about whatever statement I have made. Explaining why you're saying no usually helps the other person understand that it's not personal.
I also try to say things the way I would want to hear them. A spin on the Golden Rule, if you will.
So easy. And yet, so difficult at the same time. It's hard to be vulnerable like that. Saying exactly what and how you feel is extremely scary. It's like an open invitation for people to judge you or dislike you or argue with you or hurt you.
But you know what? I've stopped caring.
I have a solid crew of people that know the real me and love me for my quirks and charms and bad habits and good characteristics. If this random stranger doesn't like me, that is just fine. It's better to know that right up front than waste a bunch of time pretending.
Thirty has been a really good year for this. I have just stopped caring. I am too old for the games and I just have no interest in pretending to be someone I'm not. I've done it for way too long and it has only caused complication and I have no interest in that. Life is too short.
Moral of the story: speak up for yourself and be compassionate.
Wouldn't the world be a lot better if we all just respectfully said exactly what we want??
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