New Year blues
Well, it's a new year. And it's already a very introspective one.
Going into 2013, I kind of thought I was done with that... silly me. I guess I still have a lot of learning to do. And I probably always will.
The perpetual state of learning is great... I love it. A constant evolution. But I guess it can always feel like constant chaos, like the randomness will never end. And I guess I'm just really ready to feel at least a semblance of togetherness.
I guess that's the trouble with the New Year. It's easy to get swept up in the whole new year: new you, new start, good things are going to happen mentality.
Although I don't believe you have to wait until the new year to begin to make big changes or make good things start happening, I like the idea of starting fresh with a new calendar year.
To be honest the New Year, 2013, hasn't started out great. Which is my own fault. My expectations got too big and of course resulted in a letdown.
I'm kind of weirdly superstitious about how you feel in the New Year, at midnight and the morning of New Year's Day, sets the tone for the whole year.
Last year I woke up feeling great and feeling like 2012 was going to be a great year. And it was. It wasn't perfect, by ANY means, but it was a really great year. I feel like I finally started to feel like I was on the cusp of getting my shit together. Like I kinda, sorta, maybe knew what it was I wanted. Even though I still didn't (don't) know how to make it all happen, at least I started to know what I was looking for. And that felt like a big step. It is a big step.
And I feel like I made some big strides right before the new year... but then by the time New Year's Eve actually came around I was a mess of doubts again, I spent midnight feeling extremely alone, even in the midst of a crowd of people, and those feelings have lingered ever since.
Which, on the one hand is really great in the sense that is is extremely motivating: to reach out and grab what I want and not settle for anything less. And I do feel extremely motivated to make great things happen. I do really, really, feel like this year is going to be the year that good things happen. But it's not going to be without a heap of struggle.
I'm struggling to know how exactly to make these good things happen...
------------
I don't know what to do, which direction to take.
Do I need to go back to school? For what?
I'm trying so hard to make this whole get-a-"real"-job thing happen, and I feel really motivated, which is really the only way anything is ever going to happen.
But in the meantime, it really just makes me feel incredibly unqualified for ANYTHING and therefore hopeless and helpless.
I'm tired of struggling, tired of feeling hopeless and helpless.
I know that the struggling is a necessary step in the process, in the grand scheme, that there is a reason for it.
But I feel like I've already struggled, I've already paid my dues. And it's just really hard to continue feeling stuck.
But then, at the same time, I know that, before, I wasn't really struggling in the sense that I wasn't really fighting or working very hard to change my circumstances or my future, which is even more frustrating., I guess, but a great opportunity.
Now I know what I have to do.
That's what this year is going to be about: /That;s what I want from this year: to fight for what I want.
Half of me wants to
Going into 2013, I kind of thought I was done with that... silly me. I guess I still have a lot of learning to do. And I probably always will.
The perpetual state of learning is great... I love it. A constant evolution. But I guess it can always feel like constant chaos, like the randomness will never end. And I guess I'm just really ready to feel at least a semblance of togetherness.
I guess that's the trouble with the New Year. It's easy to get swept up in the whole new year: new you, new start, good things are going to happen mentality.
Although I don't believe you have to wait until the new year to begin to make big changes or make good things start happening, I like the idea of starting fresh with a new calendar year.
To be honest the New Year, 2013, hasn't started out great. Which is my own fault. My expectations got too big and of course resulted in a letdown.
I'm kind of weirdly superstitious about how you feel in the New Year, at midnight and the morning of New Year's Day, sets the tone for the whole year.
Last year I woke up feeling great and feeling like 2012 was going to be a great year. And it was. It wasn't perfect, by ANY means, but it was a really great year. I feel like I finally started to feel like I was on the cusp of getting my shit together. Like I kinda, sorta, maybe knew what it was I wanted. Even though I still didn't (don't) know how to make it all happen, at least I started to know what I was looking for. And that felt like a big step. It is a big step.
And I feel like I made some big strides right before the new year... but then by the time New Year's Eve actually came around I was a mess of doubts again, I spent midnight feeling extremely alone, even in the midst of a crowd of people, and those feelings have lingered ever since.
Which, on the one hand is really great in the sense that is is extremely motivating: to reach out and grab what I want and not settle for anything less. And I do feel extremely motivated to make great things happen. I do really, really, feel like this year is going to be the year that good things happen. But it's not going to be without a heap of struggle.
I'm struggling to know how exactly to make these good things happen...
------------
I don't know what to do, which direction to take.
Do I need to go back to school? For what?
I'm trying so hard to make this whole get-a-"real"-job thing happen, and I feel really motivated, which is really the only way anything is ever going to happen.
But in the meantime, it really just makes me feel incredibly unqualified for ANYTHING and therefore hopeless and helpless.
I'm tired of struggling, tired of feeling hopeless and helpless.
I know that the struggling is a necessary step in the process, in the grand scheme, that there is a reason for it.
But I feel like I've already struggled, I've already paid my dues. And it's just really hard to continue feeling stuck.
But then, at the same time, I know that, before, I wasn't really struggling in the sense that I wasn't really fighting or working very hard to change my circumstances or my future, which is even more frustrating., I guess, but a great opportunity.
Now I know what I have to do.
That's what this year is going to be about: /That;s what I want from this year: to fight for what I want.
Half of me wants to
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